The results are in and my dad does in fact have cancer. Boo for that. Also, it seems to have spread. Double boo. The doctors are optimistic. My mom’s doctors were optimistic.

While sitting in the doctor’s office today I narrowly escaped all out panic. Then I became angry, but only a little. Angry that I was there dealing with everything – this should’ve been mom’s job. And as quickly as that thought blasted through so did the guilt. Why would I even think something like that? GAH!

What is most disturbing to me right now is how little I feel about it. Perhaps I’m slightly numb. Maybe I’m just focused on getting done what needs to get done. Both? Or it could be that I am afraid to let this affect me.

Here’s where I get a little, dare I say, emo (gasp!). (That made me laugh.) When my mom was sick I fell into this dark ugly place. A place that I’d rather not return to. And I had people all around, more people that I knew what to do with (that is a wonderful thing, I am not complaining). But now . . . now I don’t feel surrounded. I know that I have some superb people in my life that would help out in any way . . . if I asked. I won’t.

Despite all of that I feel veryvery alone. Maybe because it’s on my shoulders. Because I have to keep track of appointments and meals and medications and post-op whatever and and and. Honestly I feel like I’m in completely over my head. Wow – that was a major personal discovery.


~ by fragmentarie on 27 May 2009.

3 Responses to “Results”

  1. First off, let me say I am so happy you are venting on here and writing. Secondly, how much you have grown since your mother’s passing. Thirdly, I think you felt alone then, and sometimes we tend to feel lonlier the more people that are around, however, you grasp that this is an emotion that you need acknowledge not necessarily dwell on. Finally, You know you are not completely alone but at the same time you are. I cannot imagine a parent passing let alone both. I do not know what to say or what you are feeling/ going through. All I can do is listen. The important thing is that you are loved, and he is loved, and your love shows by your sacrifice to take care of him.

  2. I am at a loss for words. I hope for the best and send my well wishes. I think the numbness and taking care of him go hand in hand. While you won’t ask for help, friends will be there anyway. Use them, accept them, and don’t shoulder all of it on your own. Don’t hesitate to call whenever you need an ear, or an earful.

  3. I know I suck as a friend who remembers things, like reading the rest of your blog (I did, by the way read the newer ones, just didn’t think to look back). Anyway – you’re growing up, Ams. It seems as though there’s a point we get to where numbness inevitably needs to set in in order for us to handle tough situations. You’re not alone, although I know you feel more so now than ever that you are. We’ve just all grown up and apart a bit. And things aren’t the same and people are very different. We’ll all still be there for you as you would for us, but it’ll just be different. I’ve been very surprised that, it’s now been almost a year since you’ve wrote this and you’ve undoubtedly been through an experience with your daddy, you seem to have been keeping yourself in at least a semi-good place. I’m not really there to keep an eye on you : ), but it seems to me like you’ve been doing good things for your daddy and, although I know you’d hate to admit it, have maybe been doing some growing up. So…hopefully I’ll be there in about 7 months (cross your fingers) and you’ll be a little less alone. Mostly because you’ll be watching my kids (haha ; )). Love you!!!

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