Toxin

I don’t remember it being this bad in the past. The past 2 times.

Simply put I am in agony. It sounds dramatic & over-the-top but it’s nothing short of the truth. My skin is crawling. It feels as though my bones have transformed into ball bearings careening around inside me at warp speed. My muscles are sore because I have been shaking for the last 13 hours. For the majority of the time I’ve been so cold nothing will warm me. Currently I am sweating. The only sleep I’ve managed was during the 3 hours it took for the booze to wear off. I am weak because I’ve thrown up nearly every half hour during this whole ordeal. And this is not your run of the mill emesis. Oh no, this is the most painful stomach-cramping, can’t catch a breath, rapid-fire puking ever. Relief after vomiting? No sir, just more hell.

Even though my feet have fallen asleep I am sitting on my bed “Indian style” with my legs crossed as tightly as possible because the pressure seems to ease the pain. If only a tiny bit. Between keystrokes I wring my hands as hard as I can stand and I wrap my arms around my self, tense my muscles and squeeze.

I want to cry because this. is. so. pathetic. But I can’t seem to. As I was tossing and turning, flopping around in bed desperately trying to gain some modicum of comfort I kept saying to myself, “this is your own damn fault, this is YOUR fucking fault”. I was right.

I NEED RELIEF! I know where the codeine cough syrup is, I just need a little bit. No. You did this to yourself you’re not going to hinder this process. So, I smoked a bowl because I can’t stand it anymore. That’s acceptable, right? Well it doesn’t matter because it didn’t fucking work. Now I’m starting to get angry. Very angry. But at what, who?

Myself?

I need to prove “the world” wrong. Or even just that bitch. But maybe more importantly I want you to see the me that isn’t a weak, pathetic, self-destructive mess of a girl. And I want to start walking.

Dear Vicodin,

You are cruel. And ugly. I hate the we were ever involved.

I will get over you, no matter how painful and agonizing the process.

Sincerely,
Amy

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~ by fragmentarie on 3 October 2009.

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